{"id":9877,"date":"2019-02-15T10:32:02","date_gmt":"2019-02-15T18:32:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/canary.kcprod.info/blog\/?p=9877"},"modified":"2022-06-08T17:29:09","modified_gmt":"2022-06-09T00:29:09","slug":"hard-money-conversations-and-how-to-have-them","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/canary.kcprod.info/blog\/hard-money-conversations-and-how-to-have-them\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Hard Money Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married \u2014 And Exactly How To Have Them"},"content":{"rendered":"

We\u2019re on the far side of another holiday season, which means a lot of people are heading into this year freshly engaged<\/a>, drunk in love, and psyched about the future. Or maybe you\u2019re one of those delightfully not-rushed couples who have been engaged for years, but you\u2019re finally ready to take another step together. Big congrats to all of you! You\u2019ve found someone to love in a world that is too often unkind, which is objectively wonderful.<\/p>\n

While you\u2019re fantasizing about your bright future with your intended, allow us to be the cherry on top of your happiness with this little reminder: In addition to merging your hearts and souls, you\u2019re also<\/em> about to merge assets and become accountable for each other\u2019s entire future, so there are some extremely real conversations you need to have. *Blows party horn*<\/em><\/p>\n

Digging into financial planning might seem decidedly unromantic, but a very subtle shift in perspective can make it a genuinely lovely exercise to do together. It might feel like you\u2019ll be hunched over bank statements wondering how all those people in Lexus commercials can afford to buy each other new cars for Christmas (although we\u2019re hoping Wealthfront can remove a lot of the actual hunching), but it\u2019s more than worth the effort when you think about what you\u2019re really doing: designing the life you want together and learning to be totally transparent with each other when it comes to money.<\/p>\n

\u201cTalking about money\u201d is something we\u2019ve all been trained to dread and avoid. According to a 2018 study by Fidelity, more than half of couples surveyed brought debt into their marriage<\/a>, and of those who did, 40% said it had a negative impact on their relationship. Around half of those surveyed also disagreed on when to retire and how much to save for retirement. Basically every study that touches on the common pitfalls of marriage overwhelmingly cites money as a major source of conflict in relationships<\/a>. Talking about these things now may mean less conflict later, and we\u2019re pretty sure that some premarital financial housekeeping will help you feel substantially better about money conversations forever afterward \u2014 a truly life-altering change of heart.<\/p>\n

So here is your assignment: Have each of the following conversations before you get married. Consider it our engagement gift to you. (No, you did not register for it. No, you can\u2019t return it. Yes, we are coming to your wedding. Yes, our wedding gift will be equally fun.)<\/p>\n

Spending & Saving<\/h2>\n

<\/p>\n

True, this might be the most arduous of all the prenuptial money conversations you\u2019ll have (because hello, so many details), but it is also the one that gets you on the same page day-to-day and gives you a functional path to reach all the goals you two commit to in your other discussions.<\/p>\n

Maybe you each already have thoughtful, detailed budgets<\/a> that you stick to diligently, or maybe you\u2019re both a big hot mess about it. Either way, the rest of your talks won\u2019t have nearly the impact they should if you don\u2019t also do the dirty work of aligning on exactly where your collective money is going.<\/p>\n

Bank Account<\/h2>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

A lot of people combine bank accounts when they get married. A lot of people don\u2019t. Sometimes couples keep their individual accounts and<\/em> open a new one for shared expenses like rent and bills. There\u2019s no right or wrong arrangement, but make sure you consider all of your options before deciding which one works best for you.<\/p>\n

(We might be biased \u2014 okay, we\u2019re definitely biased \u2014 but while you and your beloved consider options for where to stash your money, maybe take a look at our beloved Wealthfront Cash Account<\/a>.)<\/p>\n

Debt<\/h2>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Life is imperfect. Everyone brings at least a little baggage into a relationship, and we are strongly of the opinion that financial baggage is arguably the simplest to deal with as a couple. (Trust issues from a cheating ex, on the other hand? You can\u2019t really budget your way out of that one.)<\/p>\n

That said, many people bring bad feelings along with their debt. This is very common and completely understandable. Most of us have been raised in a culture that often necessitates debt (hello, student loans) while also shaming us about it. By the time we\u2019re adults, debt has often mutated into a complicated issue involving not just money, but our sense of self-worth. It\u2019s no wonder so many people avoid talking about it whenever possible.<\/p>\n

Before you get married, it\u2019s important to lay it all on the table, both your debt and your feelings about it. From a practical standpoint, being married often means being liable for your spouse\u2019s debt. You literally need to know the deal. Emotionally-speaking, it\u2019s a powerful trust-building moment.<\/p>\n

Talking about debt can feel overwhelming and vulnerable, we\u2019re guessing you\u2019ll come away from the conversation feeling empowered to reach a more solid place with your money.<\/p>\n

Financial Goals<\/h2>\n

<\/p>\n

What does a perfect financial future look like<\/a> to the both of you? By the time you\u2019re actively planning to get married, you\u2019ve probably talked a lot about what kind of life you want, and hopefully you\u2019re both aligned on the big things.<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s one thing to talk about \u201cwanting to travel\u201d or \u201cmaybe go back to school\u201d or \u201chaving a few kids at some point,\u201d and it\u2019s extremely another thing to sit down and both clarify and prioritize your goals (\u201cI want to be able to take one year off from work before I\u2019m 40 so I can write a book\u201d or \u201cWe want to have our first kid in the next 3 years and both be able to take at least six months off work when they\u2019re born\u201d).<\/p>\n

We get why this can be stressful or triggering for a lot of couples: Talking about big picture goals in your relationship can often bring up big picture issues. The process of getting on the same page with each other can be challenging (or possibly effortless, if you\u2019re lucky), but arguably more often, this is the dreamy part of financial planning before you dig into the practical, \u201cOK, this is how we\u2019re actually going to pay for these goals\u201d planning stages.<\/p>\n

Retirement<\/h2>\n

<\/p>\n

Getting married is a beginning, but it\u2019s also the best time to start thinking about life at the end of your career. This conversation can (and should) encompass many things: When do you want to retire? What type of lifestyle do you want in retirement? Will you spend more than you do now? Less? What steps have you already taken toward retirement? Do either\/both of you already have 401(k)s, IRAs, or other investment accounts<\/a>?<\/p>\n

Planning for retirement is one of the more complex financial topics<\/a> you\u2019ll continually deal with as a couple, so it\u2019s a good idea to lay the groundwork and make some initial moves as soon as possible.<\/p>\n

So, how do you actually have these conversations?<\/h1>\n

Okay, so you know that you need<\/em> to have certain conversations about money before you get married…but how do you make sure they\u2019re healthy and productive?<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Obviously, the best case scenario is that you and your partner speak openly and easily about all things money. If that\u2019s you, enjoy your wonderful life together! Though we would still argue that a formal check-in can add supportive structure and tangible action into the dialogue you already have.<\/p>\n

For the rest of us, the mere mortals for whom talking about money can be awkward, triggering, or anxiety-inducing? There are a few strategies and tips you can use to make the whole thing less painful and maybe even a little romantic.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s what to do:<\/strong><\/p>\n

1. Pick words that keep you on the same team<\/h2>\n

Things are rarely fair and equal when it comes to money, and chances are each of you brings some financial strengths and weaknesses. But you are<\/em> on the same team, and continually reaffirming that fact throughout the conversation will do wonders. It doesn\u2019t mean you have to change what you say, just how<\/em> you say it. The key is speaking not as an \u201cI,\u201d but as a \u201cwe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Example: \u201cI really want you to pay off your credit card debt before we get married\u201d could just as easily be \u201cLet\u2019s look at all the debt we still have and make a plan to knock it out before the wedding.\u201d Words like \u201cwe\u201d and \u201cus\u201d are helpful here, otherwise you could trigger a defensive reaction and put you at odds with each other<\/em> rather than the financial tasks in front of you.<\/p>\n

These conversations are also a perfect time to use language and context to reinforce the big change that comes with the next phase of your relationship: You aren\u2019t tackling any challenge alone anymore.<\/p>\n

2. Choose the right time to bring up money<\/h2>\n

In the car on the way to dinner? Not really an ideal time to unpack the pros and cons of a shared checking account. It is, however, a perfectly good time to propose discussing those things over the weekend.<\/p>\n

The best time to talk about anything money-related is when you aren\u2019t already stressed by something else, like when one of you is rushing off to work or you\u2019re getting ready to have people over for dinner.<\/p>\n

A more perfect scenario: Identify a few times in the week when you and your partner at your most relaxed and rested, and reserve one of those moments to sit down together and discuss your financial present and future. This maximizes the odds of having the most positive and productive conversation possible.<\/p>\n

3. Be clear about what you hope to get from the conversation<\/h2>\n

It\u2019s always best to be equipped with a roadmap for talking money, a broad subject primed for detours and potholes. A conversation that starts \u201cHey babe*, let\u2019s talk about our financial goals,\u201d could go anywhere. \u201cFinancial goals\u201d is extremely non-specific!<\/p>\n

Instead, try a more concrete approach: \u201cHey babe, we always talk about buying a house in the next few years and getting a second car and taking time off work to travel \u2014 do you want to sit down and prioritize all of this so we can actually do it?\u201d<\/p>\n

*replace with pet name of choice<\/em><\/p>\n

4. Reinforce what you love about your partner<\/h2>\n

Hard conversations are a particularly good time to reflect a positive image of someone you love back to them. Keep an eye out for points in the conversation where it makes sense to throw in little compliments (real ones; don\u2019t be fake here, or ever actually). Money is a fraught topic for most people, so it\u2019s easy to become contentious when talking about it, even with your favorite person in the world. Reminding your partner \u2014 and maybe more importantly, yourself \u2014 what you love about them can help mitigate that risk.<\/p>\n

For example, if you\u2019re talking retirement, it wouldn\u2019t hurt to interject with something like, \u201cI really love how much creativity and thoughtfulness you always put into our future together. Talking about this stuff just makes me feel so excited and lucky for everything we have ahead of us.\u201d And then maybe you\u2019ll make out, who knows.<\/p>\n

5. Listen<\/h2>\n

There\u2019s a difference between \u201cproactively framing the conversation to yield the most constructive results\u201d and \u201cdominating the conversation so your partner doesn\u2019t have a chance to speak.\u201d Of course you would never intentionally do that, but talking about money is inherently tense for most people, and talking about it with someone you love can be even more stressful. And stress often leads people to try to exercise more control over things. Totally understandable \u2014 it just means you may need to take a breath and consciously create space in the conversation for your partner\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n

Maybe you already have a detailed understanding of your significant other\u2019s financial landscape (both their balance sheets and<\/em> their emotional relationship with money), but these conversations are bound to reveal even more about each other. It\u2019s a great opportunity to bond, so make sure you don\u2019t miss it.<\/p>\n

6. End with action items<\/h2>\n

Admittedly the term \u201caction items\u201d isn\u2019t sexy (or is it?), but what is<\/em> appealing is getting out of the \u201cone day\u201d phase and making real progress together.<\/p>\n

End your talks with next steps. For example: \u201cSo we\u2019ll add you to my cell phone plan, you\u2019ll apply those savings to your student loan each month, and I\u2019ll put 15% less into savings for the next six months so I can pay off my credit card.\u201d<\/p>\n

No matter what bad feelings might\u2019ve been unearthed during the conversation, real actions can leave you both feeling empowered, confident, and much closer to each other.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Talking about money doesn’t have to be awkward, triggering, or anxiety-inducing. Today, we’re talking about the five money conversations you need to have with your partner — plus we outline the strategies and tips you can use to make the whole thing less painful (and maybe even a little romantic).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":129,"featured_media":9879,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1701,1278],"tags":[2368,1750,1697,2369,1703,2370,1366,2371,2372,2373],"coauthors":[82],"class_list":["post-9877","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-couples","category-planning","tag-couples","tag-debt","tag-financial-planning","tag-getting-married","tag-marriage","tag-relationships","tag-retirement-2","tag-saving","tag-spending","tag-weddings"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n5 Money Talks To Have Before You Get Married | Wealthfront<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Money is the top thing couples fight about. 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